Committing to a relationship is a bigger step than we care to admit. I wish I could have a serious talk with myself 7 years ago to remind myself of what’s important in a relationship, and what to look out for. But instead I committed to relationships that I knew – yes, I knew – wasn’t going to work, but I did anyway.
We somehow tell ourselves that there’s the one man for us out there, and we become so focussed on this, that we forget to look for someone that fits us, the real person you are, without compromise, and it all comes down to compatibility.
Perhaps you can relate, you meet this guy, and he seems so much better than your previous relationships. You notice something, here and there, whether it’s a haircut, a gut-feeling, the fact that he sneezes harder than your uncle with the funny nose, a smell or a word he repeatedly says, that you’re not particularly fond of, but you shrug it off, and dive head first into that relationship. Before you know it you’re a few months in, completely smothered by his beliefs, what he wants and what he wants you to be. Somewhere along the line you lost yourself, and you’re not quite sure where or how or even when it happened.
So, we do what most girls do when they have that realisation, whether it’s a week, months or even years into the relationship, you realise you’ve lost who you are and what you believe, and you slowly start to pull away, trying to find yourself again. Blah blah cliche shit happens, and boom, heartbreak of your life, again.
So to try and avoid these things from happening, I had a set of questions I asked myself about my husband when we started dating, things that mattered to me, and things I wasn’t really willing to compromise on. I wrote questions and standards down; put it in an envelope and in my Bible. And I swore to only open it when I was sure that I wanted to marry this man. Before long I opened it.
These questions really helped me to get clarity on whether or not I would be willing to spend the rest of my life with this one person. So to hopefully avoid another heartbreak for you, here’s a list of questions you might want to ask yourself, or him, depending on your relationship, and hopefully this will help you to determine whether or not you should commit to the relationship, or run for the hills instead.
- What’s his religious views?
- How does he feel about abortion?
- Does he believe in marriage?
- Does he want to have children one day?
- What’s his plans for his career?
- Does he have debt?
- Where does he ideally want to live?
- Does he get jealous? How jealous?
- What’s his sexual past?
- Does he have any major illnesses I should know about?
- How are we going to split bills?
- Does he consider himself a lazy person?
- Morning person or night-owl?
- Leader or follower?
- Influential or influenced?
- What’s his view on friendships when his in a relationship?
- What boundaries does he expect of me to have socially?
- What type of habits bothers him? – Like eating loudly
- What’s his view on mind and body health?
- Does he believe in living together before marriage?
- Anything big about his past I should know of?
- What’s his view on family and tradition?
- What’s his view on sex before marriage?
This is just a few questions I wish I could have selectively asked in previous relationships, as this would have saved me and them from wasting our time and getting hurt. Some of them I even could’ve answered myself. These questions really made a big difference. His answer isn’t really always as important, but if you ask him these questions, you’ll be able to determine how compatible you are, and that’s ultimately, in any relationship the most important factor. Love is a feeling, anger is a feeling, irritability is a feeling, lust is a feeling. But compatibility, to me, is a fact, and if you and your partner is compatible you’ll be sure to last a long time, and be happy together.
You can add your own questions, these were just the ones that really tapped into my core beliefs. You might have other questions. But take the time to determine who you are and what you believe. And in which areas of your life you’re not willing to compromise, and ask him about it. This is the quickest way you’ll be able to determine how good a fit he is for you.
I hope these questions will help you as they helped me, had I asked them before, I would’ve ended previous relationships a little sooner, and married my best friend years ago.