It’s a beautiful rainy day in the West Coast. And it made me nostalgic. So I’m writing about marriage.
I’ve noticed that more and more young people are getting married at a young age. There was a time when this culture phased out. Between my parents and us, people got married at an older stage, And about 3 people my age are already married, and more than 10 engaged.
Before I got married I had a million questions. Questions, I realize now, that’s a lot harder to answer than I thought. Questions like, “What is it like?” “Does it feel different?” “What are the challenges?”, “What’s better than before?”
So I am going to attempt to answer the questions I asked myself.
1. What is it like?
Getting married at such a young age has its benefits. It also has its challenges. My mom said that as you get older you worry less about things that bother you when you are so young. My parents also got married at a very young age, so I believe her. Now that I’m married though, there’s a lot of stuff I will think about, and I’ll let it go, because I know it’s unimportant, my older self will thank me for it.
Being married isn’t difficult. You just have to be as unselfish as possible, and think before you speak, feel or do. Simple as that. Right? Being married is letting go of everything and starting over, with another person occupying 50% (more like 100%) of your life. And it’s a fantastic adventure. Especially if you love someone as much. When I told my husband: “I’ll give my life for you.” I didn’t just mean by death. I meant that I would give my living life to him. Change everything about it, for him.
I can no longer paint “my” room pink, and hang fairy lights above the bed. I can no longer let my make-up lay around in the bathroom. I don’t have the whole bed to myself. I have to cook for two, clean for two. I have to buy food for 4 (if you live with a man, you will know how much they can eat).
But. I no longer have to carry expenses alone, I don’t have to pay a handyman to do loose jobs around the house. I have a Superman to carry heavy things. Cars, electronics, bills and finances is no longer a 100% responsibility. I no longer have to be scared of the dark at night. I no longer have to fear a break in at the house. I no longer have to cry alone in my bed. I will never feel heartbreak ever again (the best part!). I will never have to eat alone again. I will never have to pay a mortgage on my own. I will never again have an empty hole in my heart. I will always have someone that supports me, laughs at my jokes, protects me, defends me, keeps me safe and I will ALWAYS be loved. And all of this, far outweighs the extra bed space.
2. Does it feel different?
If you live with your partner before marriage, then no, it doesn’t really feel different to be honest. My husband and I committed to each other the day we moved in together. We knew that when we made that decision, it was final. So it didn’t really feel that different after the wedding. We felt the difference when we moved into our first home 6 months before our wedding. Seeing the habits the other one had around the house, how we did things differently. And it was exciting, and fun, and sometimes challenging.
I’m not going to sugarcoat marriage. It has a lot of challenges. But if you love someone, and you’re compatible (compatibility is very important), then it’s definitely worth it. My husband had to deal with the fact that I have major hair loss, so there’s always hair in the shower, on the floor, in bed, everywhere. He had to accept that I hate doing the dishes, so unless he did it, it would pile up. I had to get use to a lot of washing. Gym clothes, work clothes, home clothes, everyday. I had to get used to picking up clothes around the house, putting things away. And so on. But if you look at these things, they are so small. And unimportant, compared to the amazing feeling and love that goes with marriage.
So no, to me it doesn’t feel different. Because I felt the security of him never leaving me long before we got married and we were committed from day 1.
3. What are the challenges?
I already spoke about the challenges in the day to day life. The real challenge for me though, is to be good. It is in my, and many other women’s nature, to be difficult. To complain and be unhappy about things. And I had to let this go. And it is hard, I hate to admit this, but I complain easily. I complain about the weather, about people, about traffic and circumstances. And I had to stop. I don’t complain about these things as often anymore (I still do sometimes – I’m a woman). But one of the things men hate most, is nagging. So I don’t. I still speak my mind, but I think about it before hand. Weather it is necessary, worth it, and what I will accomplish.
I think of whether it will be constructive, productive and result-driven. If I hesitate, I leave it. So I might get home and be unhappy about something. Then I’ll ask myself: “Will talking to him about it, solve the problem? Is it worth it to talk about it? Will it make him unhappy? Will it make me happy?” And based on those type of questions I will, most of the time, realize that I’m just being difficult, and let it go. And it makes life a whole lot easier. For him and me.
4. What’s better than before?
This is difficult to answer, because you don’t marry someone unless things are already great. The biggest mistake people make is to think that marriage will “fix” everything. Marriage isn’t a solution to problems. Problems that you had before will still be there afterwards. You are still the same people. And I can’t emphasize this enough. If you have any doubt in your heart, don’t do it. It doesn’t get better after marriage, it’s the same. Things between my husband and I was amazing before we got married. And it’s equally amazing now. The only difference is that people take our relationship more serious, our decisions are 100% based on taking the other person into account and all the other fun stuff that goes with marriage as a standard.
But not for one second should you believe that marrying someone will make the relationship better. You’re either compatible, or you’re not. You’re either in love, or you’re not. You’re either loyal or you’re not. If you or your boyfriend cheated on each other at some stage, it is possible to happen again during the marriage. Don’t think that a ring on your finger will stop him or her from being unfaithful .
I am blessed to have an amazing husband and a blessed marriage filled with respect, love and loyalty. But if your relationship lacks one of those things now, it will still lack it after the wedding.
I love being married. But I loved being committed to him long before our wedding day. Marriage is awesome, but I realize that it is not for everyone. I love the commitment, the focus, the exclusiveness, the love, the respect, the loyalty, the honesty, the challenges, the changes and everything else that goes with it. But a lot goes with marriage, and you have to be ready for it.
Check out the video I’ll be posting soon about the truth about marriage.